


FINE

by DanishPastriesandmore



Series: FINE [1]
Category: Hetalia: Axis Powers
Genre: Awkward Feelings, Depression, Drama, Gen, German bros, Germany centric, Homophobia, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Mental Illness, Religion, Religious Conflict, Romance, Suicide Attempts, Triggers, mentions of God - Freeform, not really shippy, this story is probably the hardest I've attempted
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-02
Updated: 2016-04-03
Packaged: 2018-05-30 20:34:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 8,094
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6439492
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DanishPastriesandmore/pseuds/DanishPastriesandmore
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Ludwig's life is monotonous, and Feliciano is a ray of light in his life when they meet. Gilbert is too keen to help, when all ludwig does is ruin his brothers life. Ludwig has a lot to figure out, and he isn't sure he wants to.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> A oneshot split into two for ease of reading.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> EDIT: Now without the double spaces!

Ludwig’s days were always the same.

Wake up, take his pills, go to work, go home, make food, watch TV, go to sleep.

It was monotonous and dreary, but he liked the routine.

* * *

 Gilbert was round today, as it was a Thursday, and that was the routine he had for Thursday’s.

“How you feeling!?” He’d ask, as he normally did.

“Fine.” Ludwig would reply.

Gilbert would then clean the apartment and wash any clothes and cook him dinner. Ludwig hated his brother doing this for him, but it was a compromise. If Ludwig wouldn't live with Gilbert and his girlfriend, then Gilbert would at least come round every week to allow Ludwig to relax.

Ludwig had to accept. But Gilbert would put effort into making a nice meal for them both, and it'd be far more nourishing than Ludwig could make, because if Ludwig had his way then he'd just bake cakes all the time.

“Ludwig, let's go out for a drink!” Gilbert proposed today.

Ludwig shrugged on the sofa. “I'm not feeling it.”

Gilbert was clearly disappointed, but he didn't respond and they sat down to watch a movie instead which Ludwig made no attempt at paying attention to.

He tried to ignore Gilbert’s worried glances.

* * *

He enjoyed walking.

A good day at work at the office would put him in a good mood, and so he'd find somewhere to walk to.

Usually it was the park, as he liked the peace and quiet, but today he decided to walk around the streets of town and get himself some food.

He rounded a corner, and found himself down a street he wasn't sure if he’d been down before. He found himself in front of a small cafe, called ‘ _an Italian slice._ ” He’d never seen it before.

Feeling hungry, and attracted to the idea of a hot drink, he pushed himself inside, and felt a little awkward when it was empty of customers except for him.

“ _Ciao!_ Please sit, and I'll come and help you!” A cheery voice called from the behind the counter. A slim man was there, with brown hair and a curl.

Ludwig nodded, and kept wishing that he’d chosen somewhere busier as he sat down. 

The cheery man walked over to him. “Hello, can I help you?” The man asked in clumsy German. Well, it was an Italian cafe. He supposed he should've expected it.

He ended up ordering some cake and a strong black coffee. The man had bounded away happily to fetch his order.

The cake was delicious, and the coffee was exactly what he needed.

What was not fine was the waiter trying to make conversation.

“Do you live in this town?” He asked cheerily.

Ludwig was startled by the Italian asking questions. “Yes.” He responded.

“I've lived here for a while now. I'm originally from a small town in Italy, but I moved with my brother after a previous venture closed down.”

Ludwig nodded. He was bewildered by the waiters chattiness, do people just talk to strangers in Italy? “I see.”

The Italian smiled. “My name is Feliciano, and yours?”

“Ludwig.” He said pathetically. All he wanted was lunch. And now he was being forced to make conversation.

Feliciano nodded. “What do you work as?”

Ludwig shifted his feet. “Banking head offices.”

“Sounds intense!”

Ludwig looked at him. “I'm not sure ‘intense’ is the right word.”

Feliciano laughed. “It seems intense to me! I couldn't work in an environment like that. I love working with food, even if it's just following the recipes on the set menu I still feel like I'm creating something!”

Ludwig nodded. “Uh, I enjoy baking as well.” This was so awkward. Now he was trying to _relate._ This never happened.

“That's nice! I _love_ German baking, it's nicer than German cooking!” He said cheerily. “Let me show you the recipes I've learnt whilst here!”

Ludwig opened his mouth to protest, but the words died on his mouth as Feliciano had already scurried away. He drummed his fingers on the table, trying to dispel his nervousness. He wondered if putting the money on the table and leaving was rude, but the Italian returned with a heavy book in his hands.

“I've learnt a lot of recipes since I arrived, and I've also tweaked some Italian recipes to make them more palatable to German tastes.”

Feliciano talked _a lot_. Ludwig felt a little intimidated by the sheer amount of words, but let Feliciano continue. After a bit he relaxed, finding the man’s babble at least mind-numbing and sort of charming, even if continued to be confused as to why he was talking to him in the first place.

“...and this is a German recipe I tried, but I _really_ didn't like it.”

“That's one of my favourites.”

Feliciano blinked. “Oooh, sorry, Maybe if a German made it'd be nicer!”

Ludwig smiled slightly. “I suppose.”

“Hey, you should come round and show me your baking skills!”

 _What was happening?_ He'd just met a random man who seemed to run the cafe he was in and now he was inviting round his… House? 

 _Was this man… Flirting with him?_ _No, no way, definitely not._  

“Shit Feli, I go out for an hour and I come back and you're harassing the customers again!” Ludwig heard an angry voice shout, removing him from his frettings. He saw a similar looking man to Feliciano arrive behind the counter and take his coat off.

“I wasn't _harassing._ I was just chatting!” Feliciano retorted, and smiled at Ludwig. “We’re going to be shutting soon.”

“Oh, really?” Ludwig said, looking at his watch. It was 3 o’clock.

“Tuesday's aren't busy, so we shut early.” He smiled apologetically. Ludwig stood up to pay the bill, and Feliciano smiled again, and Ludwig felt his initial annoyance at the man melting under such infectious smiles. “Ludwig, please come again!” He said cheerily.

Ludwig nodded, and tried to give his best smile as he walked away to the door. As he exited, he told himself that he wouldn't come here again. Too strange. 

* * *

“Me and my brother are from Rome! Where are you from?” 

“Near Munich. Me and my brother moved here a few years ago.” 

“That's nice! Germany is _such_ a change to Italy, but at the same time not _really…”_  

Feliciano began to babble on, and it turned into a sludge as Ludwig’s thoughts began to wander. Ludwig wasn't sure why he was here.

It was a week later, he had been walking again, and then found himself near the cafe. He couldn't pinpoint _why_ he decided to eat lunch there again.

Again, the cafe was empty. Feliciano explained they didn't do much business on Tuesdays, for some reason.

“... You're not listening are you?” Feliciano said, and of course that snapped him back into paying attention.

“Oh- sorry” he said apologetically. He couldn't even listen to someone who was talking to _him._  

“I always talk too much! Everyone says it. My brother says I'm a motormouth, haha!”

“Oh no, it's fine. My fault.” He said.

Feliciano smiled. “Let me fetch you another coffee- no, it's one the house.” He smiled.

Ludwig felt confused. Why was he being so generous, even when Ludwig couldn't pay full attention to his conversation? Feliciano was a strange person. He was always smiling. Was that the Italian way?

Feliciano brought him an espresso, and Ludwig didn't have the confidence to tell him that all this caffeine does not sit well with him. He drank it anyway.

The two chatted for a bit, feliciano leading the conversation. Ludwig didn't mind. He hoped Feliciano didn't; he was a hard man to read. Happy all the time. How could he know?

As Ludwig previously though; _a strange man_ indeed.

“Did you always want to be a banker then?” Feliciano asked then.

Ludwig shrugged. “Not really.”

Feliciano smiled. “Anything specific you had in mind?”

Ludwig tried to think back. Did he ever have a career goal? He pursed his lips. “I had an ambition to be a priest once. That faded during my teenage years.” He felt slightly vulnerable even admitting such a thing.

Feliciano’s eyes widened in surprise. “A priest!? How different.” Feliciano paused. “Any reason why not?”

Ludwig shrugged. “The general reason. A lack of faith. Other circumstances.”

Feliciano nodded. “That's interesting.” He said, as if he didn't really know how to respond. “My family was more culturally religious then practicing religious.”

“My family was all for it… Very... fundamental. My brother still goes to church though. He's not fundamental or conservative though.” He said. “Actually, sorry, I Don't really want to talk about this.”

“Sorry, I had no intention to make you uncomfortable.” Feliciano said apologetically.

Ludwig shook his head. “It's fine.”

An awkward silence followed. “I always wanted to be involved with cooking though.” Feliciano babbled on. Ludwig realised he didn't mind not saying anything, and he could very easily listen to the Italian man talk anytime.

Lovino eventually came back to help Feliciano close the shop. He hadn't recognised Ludwig at first, but rolled his eyes when Feliciano introduced him.

Ludwig left. He and Feliciano were two very different people. Feliciano was full of life and _exciting_ and _chatty_ and _funny_ and Ludwig was the opposite of all those things.

He wouldn't visit again.

* * *

 

 “Hey Ludwig, you should try and get out more.” Gilbert said. Thursday's. Gilbert was round. Which meant more of his suggestions and breaking of his order.

Ludwig flicked through the pages of the novel he was reading. “You've said.” He replied gruffly.

“Well, you could come with me- to church.”

“You've mentioned that before too.”

Gilbert laughed, and plonked down on the bed. “It's cool, they're chill there, and you can chat and pray and ask for advice-”

Ludwig just looked at Gilbert as he cut him off. “What's the point? I don't believe.”

Gilbert nodded. “Well, I know you say that, but we grew up so strictly I think it might be nice for you to see the other side. Even if you don't really believe or anything.”

Ludwig internally flinched at the thought of it. _Him!_ ? In a church!? He'd made an effort _not_ to step foot in one, and as. If they really wanted him there.

“Gilbert really, I'm fine.”

Gilbert nodded and they went back to reading their respective novels.

* * *

 It was only because he had nothing better to do.

It was only because the food was good there, is what he told himself.

It was only because, like Gilbert said, he needed to get out more and try and meet new people. He was just following his brother's advice. 

He didn't really expect the person to make friends with an Italian waiter.

Feliciano was… Charming. And unlike anyone he had never met before. Was it because he was Italian? But Romano was so _sour_ compared to how sweet Feliciano was.

Feliciano was... special. And Ludwig couldn't pinpoint why; but Ludwig couldn't deny that he always wanted to see him.

 So Ludwig visited every week, on Tuesday, an hour before closing. If he tried hard, he could kid himself that it was what Feliciano wanted as well. He always seemed happy to see him, but Ludwig had a feeling Feliciano was just like this to everyone.

Feliciano was special and Ludwig himself certainly was not. And Ludwig felt like a perverted stalker, visiting Feliciano every week even if Feliciano chatted as well and seemed fine with it.

Feliciano probably wasn't even gay. He probably had a beautiful Italian girlfriend, maybe even a wife. He probably went home and told her stories of the odd and boring German man who came into an empty cafe to talk to him.

But Ludwig couldn't keep away.

Even after he heard Lovino mutter to Feliciano: “Why do you keep talking to him, the miserable bastard.” Feliciano had immediately hushed him. Those words had stung more than he tried to let on, but he had made no motion to show he had overheard.

He carried on, as normal, but he knew that Lovino's words were exactly true.

* * *

 Elizabeta was an exciting person.

She defied expectations. When she was a child and teenager, she behaved like a boy. Everyone has assumed she was a lesbian, or that'd she'd never find a boyfriend. That's what his own parents had said, and has chided Gilbert for being friends with her. “there's more suitable young ladies for you be acquainted with Gilbert. Would God love a woman who presents herself in the image of a man?”

However, when she was 16 she changed her outward look. She became more feminine, and brushed her long locks and wore makeup and chose dresses over tracksuit bottoms and sweaters.

His parents suddenly approved, and had stated that she'd make a fine wife. Gilbert had grimaced, and complained that no one else's parents talked about marriage when he was sixteen.

Ludwig eventually asked why Elizabeta changed her looks when she married Gilbert.

Elizabeta shrugged. “I got bored with it all. Dresses and makeup are more fun than trainers and baseball caps.”

Ludwig realised she didn't change at all. She was still scrappy and dirty and uncouth and confident but presented herself as a fine young lady because what was wrong with being pretty.

At the age of 13 when he realised this, he realised his parents weren't correct about a lot of things.

He enjoyed their company very much, they always made him laugh and he always felt better in their company than not. But he had nothing to give back. 

He was staying over at their flat one night, after Gilbert dragged him round to enjoy their cooking. He had crept to the kitchen late one night to fetch a glass of water, when he’d overheard them speaking from their bedroom.

“I'm worried, Liz, he's just being distant again. And that's what had happened before.”

“He's always been a little distant. Maybe I don't know him as well as you do but I can't see a regression.”

“I'd like to get him in a hospital again- but unless he's suicidal or dangerous I can't get him there without his permission. And he hates hospitals. I don't know what to do anymore.” Ludwig heard some muffled sobs.

Ludwig was making his brother’s life and his wife a misery.

Pathetic.

* * *

Ludwig did recognise what Gilbert was saying though.

He was slipping. He recognised this when he walked down the streets, talked to people and that.

How could people get up everyday, and walk to work and then do work and three come home and sleep well whilst he struggled to do all these things even on medication.

He was clinging to Feliciano.

He’d been seeing Feliciano for a few months now. Visiting every Tuesday. And every visit felt like a beautiful light.

“Ciao, my beautiful friend! How are you!?”

“I'm fine, thank you.”

“So polite, Ludwig! So, have you started watching _Breaking Bad_ yet!? It's really good!”

This was pathetic. Looking forward every week to talk to a near stranger about whatever was on the news or what television programmes they liked or how that new cake Feliciano had made was delicious.

But Ludwig liked Feliciano’s smile, his cheery attitude. He thought he was just different to other people. He thought that he was beautiful, inside and out. 

But he didn't really know Feliciano. Ludwig was acting like some stalker.

Feliciano probably wouldn't even feel the same way about him, probably didn't even like men.

Ludwig was disgusting. 

* * *

 

 “Ludwig, this is a private mental hospital, and it's much nicer than the previous ward you were at, and you’d have all the medical staff and people to talk to and I can visit all the time and it's got TV’s and it's by a lake and-”

“I'll think about it.” He said flatly.

It was a Thursday, but Gilbert had brought Elizabeta with him, which Ludwig knew this meant Gilbert was staging an intervention.

Gilbert pursed his lips. “It's all your choice man. I just think you're getting distant, and I worry that you're not getting the support you need.” He said. He drew himself closer to Ludwig. “I'm always here for you, but it's okay to ask for more help.”

Ludwig nodded. “I'll think about it.”

Gilbert again pursed his lips. “You're avoiding this conversation.”

Ludwig didn't reply; as if cementing Gilbert's statement as true. He didn't want to talk anymore. He was done talking. Talking didn't do anything. He talked to his therapist and that did nothing. He knew he was just another name on her list, and he walked out of her office and passed the other messed up individuals in the waiting room. Talking to Gilbert helped but all he did was burden his brother and his wife with his nonsensical problems.

He was done talking.

“I'll think about it.” He repeated.

Gilbert and Elizabeta eventually left, Gilbert asking for Ludwig to genuinely consider.

He was happy when they departed, finally hoping for some peace. 

* * *

 

The next day, the Friday, he stopped taking his medication.

It wasn't doing anything anyway.

* * *

On the Monday morning he decided to not go to work.

He physically couldn't drag himself out of the door. 

What was the point. He didn't enjoy work, he was sure his co workers hated him. He turned off his mobile when he saw his boss flash up on the screen, and turned off his landlines answering phone. He had no desire for the outside world.

He thought back to the weekend and He couldn't even remember what he did. Everything was blurring into one.

He remembered Gilbert on Thursday. He remembered Gilbert trying to help him. He felt sorry for his brother, who seemed convinced that he was obligated to help him.

He remembered the first time that Gilbert had to help him. He’d been so pathetic. It was when he was 16. He had been at a house party for men, gay men. He'd been invited by a friend of a friend a few times and he had always snuck off to go. He felt rebellious as he drank alcohol there and talked to other gay men and it was the first time he felt _normal_. But he’d never gone very far with anyone until that night.

He liked the guy he was with, he was a university student; only 18 and from the Netherlands and he was nice and he didn't rush Ludwig at all. Ludwig hoped he found someone good after all these years.

But his parents had driven round to the party he was at, as they’d found out that he wasn't studying round a friends house like he'd said and contacted a few friend and found where he was. He was dragged away from the party, from the Dutch man, and he was taken home, and he had his electronic devices taken away.

He remembered crying, sobbing at the words his parents said and wanting to get out but having nowhere to run to and he remembered how how he was called disgusting and how God didn't want men like him in heaven and he should stick to God’s plan.

He believed them for a month. He remembered going to school and being a good boy and pushing any sinful thoughts out of his head and then going home and having a bible lecture and listening and trying to take notes. He always remembered crying at night though, and he tried to stifle them because he didn't want his parents to hear because his parents _frightened_ him and he was sure it wasn't _normal_ for teenagers to be scared of their parents.

One day, after a month, he couldn't bare the thought of going home. He sneaked out of school at lunch. He’d found a phone box and dialed gilbert’s mobile number.

“Who’s this?”

“It's Ludwig.”

“What the hell number is this? Lucky you caught me on a lunch break.”

Ludwig felt ridiculous. Gilbert was just starting out as a teacher; he needn't try and ruin his job with a panicky phone call, really, _there was nothing wrong_ -

 “You never ring, what's up? You still there?”

Ludwig eventually forced himself to speak again. “Don't hate me.” He finally said.

“Why-”

“Don't hate me.”

“Ludwig!?”

“I'm gay and I know God hates me and mum and dad hate me but please don't hate me I don't have anyone left.” He remembered the words tumbling out of his mouth like vomit.

There was a long pause on the other side. “Ludwig, where are you? I'm coming to get you. I don't hate you, Lud, God neither, I- Ludwig please.”

He'd told his location, but Gilbert worked over an hour away and he didn't know what to do so he just hid in some fast food toilets because he didn't want anyone to ask why he wasn't in school.

Gilbert came with Elizabeta driving and they took him to their home and they called his parents to tell him where he was. Later Gilbert and Elizabeta went round to pick his stuff up from his home and the row they had with his parents was legendary.

Ludwig didn't do much of the talking in the later custody talks. But as a sixteen year old, his decision was final. And of course he chose Gilbert.

His parents didn't put up much of a fight, he remembered that. They never bothered to contact him again.

Gilbert had been amazing that day, and so had Elizabeta. He’d been a failure.

He always burdened Gilbert.

He wasn't going to make Gilbert’s life difficult any longer.

Pills were easy to overdose on.

His first mistake over a year ago was to try and kill himself by slitting his wrists. 

It’d just been messy and Ludwig hadn't done it right as it just hurt a lot, and Ludwig couldn't be bothered with the pain after a while so he begged for help to an emergency operator.

How embarrassing. 

But this was now. He’d written his note. He simply apologised to Gilbert and Elizabeta for being a burden and the new burden dealing with his death would cause them. He apologised to his parents. He wrote that he was happy to live in the fiery depths of hell, just not on earth anymore.

He briefly thought of mentioning Feliciano, but thought it best not to involve him with a random stranger's death. Feliciano didn't deserve that. 

He swallowed the pills. He didn't bother counting, he just swallowed as many as he could.

He wasn't sure how long it took, but he fell off his kitchen stool when he couldn't support his body weight anymore and could feel his consciousness fading. Peace, peace, peace at last, and why was there a loud thundering at his door, _was someone trying to break in…_

 Peace…


	2. Chapter 2

Ludwig awoke to many different senses.

Sound of the beeping of the heart monitor was he first sensed, which immediately gave away that he failed. He was alive. He couldn't describe how he felt, he at first felt elation; but then he remembered everything, and he felt soul-crushing disappointment. This wasn't what he had planned.

He then smelt the antiseptic, and when he cracked his eyes open a slither he could see the clean whites of a hospital room.

Cutting through these original senses was the voice of someone speaking softly.

“...And he's just so lost recently, and I can't reach him, and he needs some guidance. Dear God, I ask for some guidance for Ludwig on his behalf. Help him in anyway you see fit, for this cannot be a path for him. I’m being selfish, I love him too much to lose him.”

Ah, so Gilbert was there. Praying for him. He hadn't noticed he was awake then.

Ludwig realised he had little energy to really do anything. He eventually shifted.

“Ludwig, you're awake, I, I'm so happy, thank god, I- nurse!” Ludwig heard him scrambling and pressing a button.  He eventually managed to turn his head towards  Gilbert to see him smiling at him. “Ludwig.” He said, and didn't say anything else, but he held Ludwig's hand tight.

Ludwig looked at those tear filled red eyes, and felt foolish and guilty. “I'm sorry.” He tried to say, but his voice was so rough and dry. Gilbert picked up a paper cup of water and held it to Ludwig; which he gladly drunk.

“Don't apologise Ludwig. It doesn't matter. You're alive.”

The nurses came bustling in, and he answered a few questions, but he thought about what Gilbert said.

_ He was alive _ .

* * *

He wasn't sure how he felt about being alive.

He was so sure on Monday when he tried. But now he wasn't.

He’d been in a coma for two days, recovering from the overdose. On Monday it was difficult to know if he’d survive the overdose due to the sheer amount he took even if the paramedics on the scene managed to get him to throw up some of the pills.

His work had been instructed to call Gilbert if they couldn't get in contact with Ludwig. And Ludwig had turned his phones off. 

“You never miss work, Ludwig. Not without notice.” Gilbert had said.

Ludwig groaned in annoyance at himself. Annoyed that he didn't go to work, but also annoyed that he didn't call in sick. He should’ve planned ahead more-

Seeing Gilbert’s happy face made him stop thinking like that out of guilt.

* * *

Ludwig had been through this procedure before. An assessment, on how suicidal you are.

“Ludwig, is there an exact moment you can pin point for your suicidal thoughts from when you exited hospital last time, or was it gradual?”

“Uh, gradual.”

The doctor would scribble it down.

“Do you feel suicidal now?”

Ludwig paused. He wasn't really sure if he did, was he happy with living? Was he angry that he wasn't rotting in hell? Or was he happy he could talk to Gilbert.

He realised it was a mixture of those things. “Yes.” He admitted.

* * *

“So they’ve transferred you here, and I'll visit as much as I can.” Gilbert said, in Ludwig's new room in the mental ward.

Ludwig nodded. “That’d be nice. Don't put yourself out though.” His new room was at least a cool blue than a harsh white, and it didn't smell of antiseptic. Ludwig knew he was going to have to make this place feel like home as he was goiing to stay for a while.

“As if! Chill Lud, I have plenty of free time." Gilbert patted Ludwig's hand, then seemed to lower his gaze. "I… I have something to say. I have to say that I'm sorry, sorry for leaving you with mother and father all those years ago.”

Ludwig was astounded. Why was Gilbert apologising? “Uh, you don't need to say sorry-”

“I  _ knew _ they were assholes, which is why I left and got a job straight after uni. I should've taken you with me, especially after I got my job.”

“It's fine, Gil, I don't blame you. At all.” Seriously, which twenty one year olds took their brothers to live with them?

“I called them yesterday. About you, as I did before when you were in the hospital. They decided not to come. I called them assholes. They blabbed on about God. I threw the phone at the wall.” Gilbert sighed. “You know our parents were always just assholes right. Even if they had never gone crazy like that before, they always were.  They had such a black and white view of the world when it came to morals, and if you disagreed with them, then it was probably sin, I just… Ugh… I think they flipped on you because you were the favourite son.”

“I…”

“They never said anything to my face. But you were always smarter, and more athletic, and you were, uh, normal looking.” Ludwig’s face twisted in horror. “Yeah, I overheard once. Said how they knew I wouldn't go far in life because I didn't look right.”

Ludwig was horrified. “That's awful.”  _ Why didn't you tell me this before. All I've done is go on about my problems. _

“Yeah, as a sixteen year old albino kid that shook me up. I wanted to prove them wrong. And sure, maybe teaching isn't  _ prestigious _ , but I like kids.” He paused, and then Gilbert smiled. “Hey, Elizabeta, she's pregnant.” He said.

Ludwig grinned. “That's amazing.”

“Yeah, she told me yesterday. A few weeks along now.”

“You'll be a great father.”

“I hope so. I'm nervous, and we’ve got nearly nine months left.”

Ludwig smiled. “I know you will.”

Gilbert smiled. “Yes. And, uh, you'll be uncle Ludwig!” Gilbert smile was a bit more strained.

Ludwig didn't know what to say. 

He didn't say anything.

* * *

“So, what would you say your relationship is  with religion - and God- now, at this very moment?”

Ludwig paused as he looked at his therapist. He’d recounted his childhood in previous sessions, and it was tiring. “I, uh, don't believe.” He finished. He hated therapists. He hated talking. But he wanted to get better, as least just for Gilbert's sake.

“You don't sound too sure.”

Ludwig didn't reply.

“I think you need to reexamine your relationship with religion.”

“I don't-”

“Do you really not believe? Or are you scared of believing, because you feel you cannot be accepted because of what your parents said?”

“I'm not  _ scared-” _

His therapist nodded. “Scared is a strong word, I apologise. But it sounds to me like you simply cut off your faith without actually changing your beliefs, trying to justify it.”

Ludwig didn't reply, again.

“I feel that whatever you actually think about God, I'd say you need a healthier way of thinking about him. Genuine closure, or acceptance.”

“I-” he stopped himself. “Do you _ believe _ in God?”

“My personal life should not affect your opinions on this, Ludwig.”

Ludwig sighed. “I… It's hard to reconcile what my parents said and who I actually am.”

“Your parents view of God isn't the only view.”

“That's what my brother says. He goes to church and prays. He prays for  _ me _ . He was praying when I woke up here. Like God would listen for  _ me. _ ”

“Ludwig, we do not support this type of thinking.”

Ludwig sighed. “I can't separate my parents and God, that's the thing. My parents  _ are _ God and religion, and I hate my parents, I just-” he could feel the tears squeezing out of his eyes. He felt ridiculous, but his therapist didn't react.

His therapist nodded. “Things can be re-imagined and rethought. You can re-learn a new relationship, if that's what you want. All we need is time.”

Ludwig supposed he had lots of time now.

* * *

Two months.

Two months is how long he was kept on the ward.

 

The doctors thought about releasing him many times in those three months, but he seemed likely to relapse. So they kept him in.

Things changed.

He had new medication. He was in therapy twice a week. He was nowhere near ‘well’.

He couldn't live on his own anymore. He moved in with Elizabeta and Gilbert, who now have to look for a new house with a baby on the way and him as well.

He started to apologise, but the two wouldn't hear it.

“We don't want a flat anymore anyways. A house is a better way to raise a child.” Elizabeta assured him.

It didn't make him feel any better; even if it did make sense. Especially since he was just living on their kindness, since he had quit his job with Gilbert's encouragement. He’d never enjoyed it; but it was steady work and it paid well. But Gilbert said he needed to concentrate on himself for the time being, and do something enjoyable rather than stress himself out with a hated job.

He understood, and he was instead volunteering at a dog's shelter. He helped with the paperwork, helped feed the dogs, walk the dogs, play with the dogs, register the dogs when they came in, sort out adoption's, clean….

It was fun, it was enjoyable hard work. He liked dogs. Dogs seemed to like him. He had always wanted dogs, and always played with friends dogs. He had _begged_ his mother and father for dogs repeatedly, but they always refused. And he had since lived in flats that weren't suitable…

Gilbert said they’d get a dog when they moved into their new house. Ludwig tried not to be openly excited, and to contain himself, but Gilbert must've noticed that he was excited as he found that Gilbert brought a leash the next day. Ludwig had a dog he wished to adopt from the shelter, a golden retreiver he named Aster. He'd pretty much fallen in love with her the first moment he saw her, and would've adopted her immediately if he could've. 

But at the moment in time, Ludwig felt okay. He knew he didn't want to die at this moment, so that was a plus. All in all, he just had to live day by day for now.

 

* * *

The second week he was back, he was in the living room waiting for Gilbert. He’d dressed himself smartly, as he hadn't known what to wear.

Gilbert came round the corner of the house, pulling his shoes on. He looked surprised at Ludwig’s presence.

“Ludwig? What’re you doing?”

Ludwig paused. “I thought i’d accompany you to church. If that's okay with you.”

Gilbert looked supposed, but grinned. “Of course!”

So they went into the car and Gilbert drove them to the church. Gilbert seemed excited that Ludwig was coming with him, but all he could feel was nervousness.

Gilbert eventually noticed Ludwig's awkwardness. “They're really chill here, I've talked about a lot of things before to them. Uh, some of it to the pastor was about you, but in confidence!"

Ludwig shrugged. He didn't mind if Gilbert said things to the pastor.

Gilbert looked over. “What made you want to come?”

Ludwig paused. “I realised, or admitted that I do believe in God. And so, my therapist says that I need to have a healthy relationship with the church and organised religion.” he said factually, as if repeating his therapists assessments.

Gilbert nodded. “Christ- shit, didn't mean that, but yeah- would've been nice if you'd mentioned this to me before. You can talk to me about anything.”

Ludwig sighed. “I know, it's just hard to know how to start. Conversations." He still had a long way to go, but was comforted by Gilbert patting his hands.

The church was small, and situated in a modern, plain building.

It was nice. There were some older folks, and some younger people, and it had a nice, friendly feeling. Which is something he never got when he went to his parent's church; but that was a small church with hardliners in it.

The service wasn't particularly eventful or different to any other church service, albeit the prayers were in different orders and every bring. When he prayed, he simply asked for some guidance, some chance to continue the progress he was making, and asking that he hoped that he accepted him just the way he is.

After the service there was coffee and Ludwig stayed on the pews awkwardly whilst Gilbert chatted with some friends. He felt on edge in the church, and it wasn't putting him in the best of moods. Maybe it was too soon, he thought, as he looked at old photos of Jesus hanging on the wall.

Eventually Gilbert waved him over, and Ludwig obliged.

He smiled awkwardly as he was introduced to the pastor, Pastor Klein.

“Hello Ludwig, did you enjoy the service?”

He nodded. “Yes it was… Pleasant.” So formal. So unfriendly.  _ Couldn't he get anything right _ -

“Well that's what we aim for!” Klein laughed. 

The three chatted about a number of things, but eventually the pastor clapped his hands to end whatever conversation they were having, and walked off to fetch a leaflet and handed it to Ludwig; the Gay Christian network.

“Look, I'm a man of God, I have to be a bit forward sometimes. They meet forthrightly around the corner from here; lots of denominations. You should go, Ludwig. I don't run them, I'm not gay myself, but other homosexual figures do. It's very friendly. No conversion therapy nonsense is allowed, but it's honest.”

Ludwig nodded. He was a little stunned. Such networks existed? 

The two brothers eventually filtered out of the church and into the car.

“So, what do you think?” Gilbert asked.

Ludwig just broke down sobbing, overwhelmed and happy.

* * *

He had been out of hospital for a few weeks

It was a Tuesday, and the dogs sanctuary let him off early at lunch time.

Ludwig remembered Feliciano, and the little cafe. 

He made his way to the cafe. He thought maybe it might be strange for him to just turn up after disappearing for nearly four months, but he made his way there anyway.

And he was met with a peculiar sight.

_ An Italian slice  _ was closed. It was clearly empty with white paint in the windows. And Feliciano sat outside it, on the step, smoking a cigarette, looking at his phone.

Ludwig paused. Feliciano  _ smoked _ . He wasn't particularly bothered by it, but it was clear to Ludwig that he didn't know the Italian at all.

“I, uh-” he said, and made his presence known.

Feliciano looked up, and smiled, and flicked away the cigarette. “Ludwig! I haven't seen you in so long.”

“Ah, yes.” He said. He felt awkward. Why was he here. What was he going to say?

“Did you just decide to not come round anymore? It's a shame, I enjoyed our conversations on Tuesdays. I looked forward to them.”

Ludwig paused. “I've been… Sick” he finished lamely.

Feliciano looked on in worry. “Nothing too serious I hope!?” He asked.

Ludwig opened his mouth to state bluntly suicide attempt, but he stopped himself. He didn't want to burden Feliciano with his thoughts. “It's complicated.” He said.

Feliciano’s worried gaze continued. “But you're better now…?”

Ludwig paused. “It's complicated.” He finished. There was an awkward pause, as Ludwig contemplated running for the hills to end whatever  _ this _ was.

Feliciano changed his confused gaze to a smile again. “Want to come in and have coffee? It's closed but some of the equipment is still there.”

Ludwig paused, wondering if it was a good idea. He eventually nodded.

He was led inside, and Feliciano made the coffee. They sat down on the empty cafe floor. It was cold and Ludwig didn't find it comfortable for one bit but he didn't complain.

“Turns out, me and my brother aren't great at business management!” Feliciano laughed, but it was a hollow one.

“Sorry about your cafe. I really liked it.”

Feliciano smiled sadly. “It was a good cafe. I'm trying to not brag but it was good; the food was fresh and tasty and we had fast Ian service and our coffee was great and...” Feliciano trailed off, a bit wistfully.

Ludwig nodded. “Yes.”

Feliciano sighed. “But the customers never came. I lied to you when I said that Tuesday's weren't busy. Well, a half lie. Every day wasn't busy!” Feliciano sighed, a melancholic look on his face. 

Ludwig smiled sadly. “Will you go back to Italy?” He asked.

“Me? Not right now. Once we sorted out the finances Lovino moved straight home. I decided to stay. I'm a chef here for a different Italian restaurant. I felt that maybe me and my brother needed some time apart, and he agreed. We’re twins, and never  _ not _ been together, but we’re very different people.” 

Ludwig nodded. That was quite clear from the little he'd known of Lovino. On top of that however, he couldn't deny that he was happy Feliciano stayed.

Feliciano shuffled his feet. “I'll admit that I was waiting outside the cafe today in case you showed.”

Ludwig was surprised, and felt a few butterflies. “Oh, I, uh-”

“I just wanted to know what happened to you. I wondered if I said something or…”

Ludwig felt a little small. He supposed building up a casual relationship with someone would leave the other person a bit dejected if they never showed up again. “Sorry.”

Feliciano cocked his head to the side. “Why are you apologising? Clearly, not your fault.”

Ludwig opened his mouth.  _ Because for some reason you care, and I feel sorry for you. _ But then he realised that's not a true answer. He just shrugged, but that was just as lame.

Feliciano smiled slightly. “Hey Ludwig, I wanna say something. I like you. I thought you were handsome the first minute you walked in. You seem sweet. And I want to get to know you further, I mean I'd love to, if you want to. How about going to see a film tomorrow or something or whenever you're free?”

Ludwig paused. He wanted this so much. He had fantasied about the Italian so much previously, from dates to more… 

But he knew he was not ready. “I'm not… No, Feliciano.”

“Did I get the wrong idea? I was  _ sure _ you liked me back, when we were chatting before..."

“No, I do, I, um, like you, but I've just got out of the hospital.” He paused, the words of the truth struggling to come out of his lips. He didn't want Feliciano to be frightened away; yet he knew that he had to be clear with Feliciano. “I'm... a messed up individual. It was a suicide attempt, Feliciano,. I've had depression for a while too.” 

Feliciano looked a bit stricken. “Wha-”

Ludwig smiled. “And I'm beginning to become okay with being me. But, emotionally I think I'm too… Too..”

Feliciano smiled sadly. “I get it. You're not ready.”

There was a pause as Ludwig nodded. At least Feliciano understood in some regards. “But, ah, part of the reason I went Tuesday was to see you too.” He blushed.

Feliciano beamed. 

“I thought you were interesting and I had a crush on you.” He said. “I think I built an image of you in my head and I'm not really sure if I know anything about you.”

“An image?”

“I thought you were perfect.”

Feliciano laughed lightly. “I'm not perfect. I tend to be scatterbrained and I lied through my teeth about this place, I mean I lied to you didn't I?. My brother was too defeatist about it from the get go, though. Lasted over a year, longer than he thought!” Feliciano sighed. “So are we not to see each-other again?”

Ludwig paused, and wondered if that was to be for the best. However, he didn't want that to happen. He liked Feliciano. He just couldn't deal with the idea of a romantic relationship, not right now, not whilst his head was spinning withstand so many other emotions. “I… No… I mean…”

“Let's just continue as friends then? We can get to know each other properly then. And if you need space feel free to ask for it. I don't know much in detail about depression and stuff, but I don't care if that's what you wanna know. I like you, and I'd like you to be in my life somehow.”

Ludwig felt those butterflies coming back. “You're very understanding.” He said as he stared at the Italian.

“I don't understand lots but I'm not going to be an asshole about it. That's what my Nonno says, just try not be an asshole when you don't understand.”

Ludwig smiled. “Yeah, I want to see you. I'm not going to be great company however.”

“you put yourself down, I always enjoyed our conversations.” Feliciano said, and picked up his coffee mug. “To friendship?” He said as if toasting it.

Ludwig laughed. “To friendship.” He said back, and clinked their glasses.

* * *

6 months later.

“PLEASE LUDWIG, DRIVE FASTER!” Gilbert screamed at him.

“I'm not going to drive dangerously when there's a pregnant woman in the back seat!” Ludwig snapped back to Gilbert.

Elizabeta screamed. “I'm not going to be a pregnant for much longer and I'll have a baby in the back of this car if you don't HURRY UP!”

Ludwig grumbled to himself as he steered the car they were in towards the hospital. Gilbert and Elizabeta were in the back seats, trying hard to  _ not _ give birth in the back seat.

Eventually they managed to pull up to the hospital and they found some people to wheel Elizabeta into the hospital.

Ludwig waited outside the hospital room. It was nice, to be at the hospital for a reason for something other than himself. After ten minutes later of screaming, which he felt rather intimidated by, Gilbert came out to welcome him in.

“She's a girl! We’ll probably call her Louise, we haven't definitely decided yet.”

He sat down and watched the two coo over their new baby. It was an adorable little thing, and Ludwig felt his heart clench looking at it.

“Ludwig, hold Louise” Elizabeta said, and Ludwig felt a little nervous as Gilbert handed him the bundle.

He froze, afraid that he may drop the baby, but eventually relaxed.

“Aw, look, Louise and Uncle Ludwig. Eh, you're a natural.”

Ludwig smiled, and looked down at the sleeping baby. It was so… Perfect and Ludwig couldn't help but feel a little gifted to hold the baby even though that was strange and it was just a normal baby it wasn't like it was the child of God or anything but he still felt blessed to hold his brothers daughter.

He eventually handed Louise back. He pulled out his phone.

“Texting Feliciano?” Gilbert asked.

Ludwig blushed. Feliciano had been super excited about the prospect of a baby and had wanted constant updates.

“Geez, when do we get to meet him?”

“You've already met him!” Ludwig retorted. 

Feliciano came round for a film night once, and Gilbert had looked like he was going to drop dead with happiness at making a new friend.

“I mean since you've been official! I need to give my baby brother's boyfriend ‘the talk’” Gilbert teased.

Ludwig grimaced anyway even though he knew Gilbert was joking. They'd only just made their relationship officially something more in the past few weeks. 

It was strange; actually being in a relationship with Feliciano. But eventually he’d realised that their  _ official friendship _ or whatever the hell Feliciano called it was not what he wanted anymore. So he plucked up the courage and eventually asked Feliciano out on a proper date.

“I'll invite him round again sometime.” He finally said, knowing that Gilbert would now badger him until he did.

The flat they used to reside at was now a small house for four; it still need re-decorating to make it theirs but it was clearly their home.

Well, Ludwig's home for now.

He didn't want to live there forever. Elizabeta and Gilbert and Louise needed their space, and Ludwig wanted his. He wanted to move out again, but he wasn't sure when.

The dogs shelter had offered him a job. It was only a small charity, but one of the older employees who ran the charity was retiring and they practically gave Ludwig the job after he’d gone nearly everyday for free.

It didn't pay as well as his previous job, but Ludwig didn't mind.

He enjoyed church. For the first time in his life, he thought that maybe he wouldn't end up in hell. And it was nice to meet some people like  _ him _ at the gay Christian network. 

It wasn't always easy. 

Sometimes he didn't want to get out of bed in the mornings, but Gilbert would knock on his door when he did.  “Hey, Aster won't walk herself. I mean, she  _ could _ , but I'm not sure we’d see her again. Your dog Ludwig, you walk her!”

It forced him out of bed in the mornings, and he always felt better when he had a walk.

The new medication appeared to be working. The church helped direct him. The therapist helped him talk about his feelings. 

Feliciano could actually be something other than a fantasy to him, and Ludwig realised he like the real Feliciano; the ditzy, messy smoker Feliciano really _was_.

Gilbert would always be there for him, and Ludwig was trying to make sure he didn't feel guilty just because of that.

But overall, Ludwig knew that he was glad to be alive.

And that was fine.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a story I've had kicking around for ages. I eventually got around to finishing it, with a lot of changes along the way. 
> 
>  
> 
> Would love any feedback or anything if you enjoyed this fic or want to critique it!
> 
> EDIT: Also, just want to say I'm thinking of writing a sequel to this at at some point...


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